"Tell me no secrets, tells me some lies, give me no reasons, give me alibis, tell me that you love me and don't let me cry, say anything but don't say goodbye" : Crystal Gayle.
There's perhaps only one thing worse than being lied too. And that's finding out the truth from someone else.
Unfortunately around this time, a freelance reporter found out about my double existence, and began touting the story around.
Which is why I started this blog. Better to tell your own story than have someone else do it for you.
With the reporter ringing potential buyers, there was now a real risk that the first my family and friends would find out about me would be in a newspaper.
Despite my own personal worries and fears, I couldn't let that happen.
The masquerade was over.
Time to come clean.
Telling one person in particular terrified me.
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I can think of no better date to come into the world than New Year's Eve.
Fireworks popping, the sky ablaze with shimmering sparkles, people of all colours and creeds linking arms.
Smiling faces everywhere.
The whole world celebrating your birthday.
And so it was, in this particular year, that I was blessed by angels and became a dad.
Amazing, aye?
A pink ball of squalling baby.
Fifty per cent me.
Wow.
Explaining to him had always been the moment I dreaded the most.
Instinctively I want to tell you how brilliant, fantastic, clever and funny my son is. How close we are. How proud I am. Just like a regular parent might do.
It's the natural thing to do, right?
However, the reality is that I'm not your run of the mill parent, so certain self-imposed restrictions apply.
It shouldn't be like that in this day and age, but people can be cruel.
I don't want him tagged in some way because of who I am.
He is his own man, and deserves to be judged on what he will achieve in life, which I'm sure will be a lot.
This is the only mention he gets in the story, but that doesn't mean he's a minor figure in my life.
Far from it.
Suffice to say breaking the news to him was emotional, and the toughest thing I will ever have to do.
His reaction to me explaining the past five years confirmed what a cool and strong kid he is. Something I will always be grateful for, and drew strength from.
The hardest bridge had been crossed. I took a deep breath, made a list of names, and began telling everyone in both of my lives who I really was.
Ticking them off, one by one. Calls, emails, face to face.
Some took it well, others were shocked.
A few remained stony silent.
All done.
Everyone I cared about now knew.
Peeled like an onion.
I went home shaking, closed the door and started to cry.
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Things had definitely changed.
Certain relationships now felt more hesitant and awkward.
Trans does that. Creates invisible barriers.
I guess people feel a degree of uncertainty about how to interact with this new person. Could they trust someone who had pretended for so long? Conversations become a fraction more stilted. A micro-hesitation here and there. Awkwardness when saying my name.
Call it gut instinct, but I sensed my days at work were also numbered.
The tectonic plates of trans were shifting beneath my feet.
