"It doesn't have to be this way. Just count the hours. Cos when your bed is made, then baby it's too late" : Blow Monkeys
(1)
Hello. My name's India, though that hasn't always been the case. I began life as a Jonathan. And up until a few weeks ago I was a Joanne.
A good solid name to disappear with.
(1)
Hello. My name's India, though that hasn't always been the case. I began life as a Jonathan. And up until a few weeks ago I was a Joanne.
A good solid name to disappear with.
Now that I've stopped trying to hide, I've opted for something a bit more exotic.
Like India, it took me a long time to shake off my shackles and establish my own identity.
Between 2010 and 2015 I led a rather bizarre secret double life in two cities - one as male, the other as female.
Like India, it took me a long time to shake off my shackles and establish my own identity.
Between 2010 and 2015 I led a rather bizarre secret double life in two cities - one as male, the other as female.
Two bank accounts, two passports, two wardrobes, two sets of friends - neither of which knew the other existed.
Flip-flopping between male and female every few days without anyone knowing.
James Bond and Jane Bond rolled into one.
James Bond and Jane Bond rolled into one.
The reason for my dual existence? To finally allow the real me to breath, and to protect my family from the abuse or ridicule I feared they might suffer through being connected to someone who is trans.
If I'm honest, being two people at once also meant I could delay coming out to everyone, who might not be comfortable with finding out their son, brother, mate and dad was actually a girl.
Yeah, that's right. A dad. A good one too, I hope.
It's been stressful but fascinating at the same time.
Being transgender was never something I enjoyed. It didn't bring me pleasure. I fought it all my life and always hoped that one day I would wake up and not feel I was in the wrong body. I'd describe myself as a reluctant transsexual.
Ultimately though, you can't run away from yourself.
While I always viewed being trans as something of a curse, I did at least have one major thing in my favour.
If I'm honest, being two people at once also meant I could delay coming out to everyone, who might not be comfortable with finding out their son, brother, mate and dad was actually a girl.
Yeah, that's right. A dad. A good one too, I hope.
It's been stressful but fascinating at the same time.
Being transgender was never something I enjoyed. It didn't bring me pleasure. I fought it all my life and always hoped that one day I would wake up and not feel I was in the wrong body. I'd describe myself as a reluctant transsexual.
Ultimately though, you can't run away from yourself.
While I always viewed being trans as something of a curse, I did at least have one major thing in my favour.
I pass easily.
This means I've never had to endure abuse or ridicule in public, and have been able to seamlessly blend in.
I suppose I could have kept juggling two lives for many more years, but the truth is that I began to feel that being secretive wasn't right.
It implies that trans is something to be ashamed of. Something wrong. Something weird.
It's not.
This means I've never had to endure abuse or ridicule in public, and have been able to seamlessly blend in.
I suppose I could have kept juggling two lives for many more years, but the truth is that I began to feel that being secretive wasn't right.
It implies that trans is something to be ashamed of. Something wrong. Something weird.
It's not.
So very recently, I manned up (metaphorically speaking) and came out to those close to me - who mostly have been very supportive.
Only one person has effectively cut off all contact, but I can live with that.
Only one person has effectively cut off all contact, but I can live with that.
This blog is about my experiences during that five year period being two people at once, and how it's shaped me as a person.
I've called the blog Secret Agender because during my time as a gender double agent, that was my internet pseudonym.
You might have noticed it's an anagram of a secret gender.
Which is exactly what I have been all my life.
Until now.
I've called the blog Secret Agender because during my time as a gender double agent, that was my internet pseudonym.
You might have noticed it's an anagram of a secret gender.
Which is exactly what I have been all my life.
Until now.
India x
