"Share my life take me for what I am, because I can't change my colours for you": Whitney Houston
Not many people get to attend their own funeral.
Not many people get to attend their own funeral.
With just a few hours to go I'd like to take the opportunity to say goodbye on behalf of Jonathan.
It's the least he deserves.
A death is always sad to someone, even when it's for the greater good.
In particular I'm thinking of those I love, who I know have been going through emotions similar to a bereavement.
The happy times, the bitter sweet memories. All the experiences that came our way.
Good and bad.
The happy times, the bitter sweet memories. All the experiences that came our way.
Good and bad.
I hope the old me will be remembered as someone who was funny, interesting and decent.
He'd like that.
It's true what they say. Now the time is here, life really is flashing before me.
All sorts of memories and faces cropping up.
All sorts of memories and faces cropping up.
Escaping was something I never imagined I would actually have the courage to do.
I was a boy. Everybody said so. Look at the anatomy. All the proof anyone needed was there to see.
Accept.
Some say that's still the case.
Some say that's still the case.
They can't see my soul.
The child peering over the grave in my dreams all those years always knew the truth from the beginning.
He was me.
The child peering over the grave in my dreams all those years always knew the truth from the beginning.
He was me.
Trans isn't ideal, but it's not cancer or some debilitating illness.
In fact, I have a lot to be thankful for. I grew up in good health, belonged to a family, got married and become a parent.
For that last privilege alone, being someone I wasn't was worth it.
At least life hasn't been boring. It's been rich and full of colour.
And now I'm going to be re-born.
Viva la difference!
To my mum I want to thank her for bringing me up, and to apologise for pinching her make-up and not quite turning out as expected.
To my sister, I'd like to say sorry for borrowing your shoes occasionally, though I did always put them back. You can borrow mine now.
To my brother I would like to say that while I'm a girl, I'm still the better footballer.
To Alan Air I want to say thank you for being a tower of strength, your comedy, the milky coffees and most of all, your amazing friendship.
I also want to let my son know that he is always paramount in my thoughts, and that I'm incredibly proud of the young man he's become.
All things considered Jonathan had a pretty good run for his money.
He owns most of my memories, and was the person who got to taste all the highs and lows of growing up.
Going to school. Getting a job. Being kissed for the first time.
Rites of passage.
Now it's time to say goodbye.
Closure.
Now it's time to say goodbye.
Closure.
Delivering the final blow is a lot tougher than I ever imagined.
Even now, the final embers are fighting to stay.
It's just not possible.
It's just not possible.
I wish we could have a body each.
If Jonathan has a soul, I hope the angels are kind and that he finally finds peace.
I'm sure my grandma and pop will look after him in heaven.
Tonight, the consultant has told me that at 8 am tomorrow I will close my eyes, count to ten and drift off to sleep.
A moment I've been waiting for all my life.
I'm going to imagine the brightest fireworks lighting up a dark starry night sky, with Whitney Houston's 'I Have Nothing' playing in the background.
It's my message to family, friends and anyone who has helped me.
A moment I've been waiting for all my life.
I'm going to imagine the brightest fireworks lighting up a dark starry night sky, with Whitney Houston's 'I Have Nothing' playing in the background.
It's my message to family, friends and anyone who has helped me.
Rest In Peace JW x
